Should We Completely Table Dating? It’s actually more work than it seems.

Should we complete the appointments at the table?

It's actually more work than it sounds.

Credit/pexels.com

A few weeks ago, when the coronavirus pandemic was really on the rise in the United States, a married friend asked me what dating would be like for single people. In the midst of my long-term grocery shopping and working from home, I thought this was a weird question. I'm used to slipping on my couch without optimism, so I replied that things would probably stay the same. I was also secretly hoping that swipe apps would be a more magical place where you could fall in love without being seen as a member of the Love Is Blind cast.

Honestly, that hope turned out to be true, somehow. For many people, dating at this time is exciting. It feels like talking to the boy you love from high school on the phone from your childhood room. But as the reality of life under a pandemic sets in, things get pretty dark too. Every state in the country is under disaster declarations and people across the country are feeling the financial consequences of the virus. When your partner texts, "How are you, baby?", And you write, "I lost my job," it can take the romance out of things. So, as Carrie Bradshaw from the quarantine, who literally no one (not a single person) asked, I have to ask myself: Should we all stop dating until the worst of this is over?

Last week (which feels like 12 years ago), I wrote that many of us would be left ghosts during this pandemic. I suggested that we make peace with being cheated on, as everyone is dealing with extraordinary circumstances, be it illness, care, anxiety and other mental health issues, job insecurity, or just the overwhelming emotions that come from being confined at home. or having to be away from home. the world when you would rather be safe at home. This was not an excuse for misbehaving. It was a push to find compassion for the people on the other side of our screens.

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I keep the idea that not everyone has the emotional bandwidth to fully commit to dating right now (the ghost is still rubbish, FYI). There is too much uncertainty swirling during this pandemic to waste time questioning intentions. People are isolated, scared, and looking for genuine connections, so if you're going on a date right now, it's really best to be as direct as possible about what you want (or what you think you want). From the beginning, you can reduce the chances that you will end up hurting someone else, and it will probably be easier for you to find what you are looking for. 

If you want to find someone to have FaceTime sex with regularly, don't apologize for it. If you are looking to exchange cat videos or watch TV shows on Netflix Party together, that also applies. If you have a wedding Pinterest board and you're swiping with the intention of finding your match, that's not a bad thing. There are no wrong reasons to date, including escapism, but try to be transparent about what you are looking for. Because if not, you could meet someone lovely, not be prepared to give the emotional work you're looking for, and end up in a messy situation. 

Choosing to date someone even slightly consistently (which at this point is equivalent to texting, talking, and video chatting regularly) means you need to make room for all the ways that dating can be both a responsibility and a pleasure. That's true whatever happens, but our current circumstances make it even more complicated. It means that when you ask someone how their day was, be prepared for them to tell you that they sobbed in the shower. When they're in a bad mood because they've been locked up for days, you can't just say,  Great, well, I'll talk to you later. When  asked to violate social distancing by meeting in a park, you have to explain why that is an objectively terrible idea. You can look with your eyes at their photos of creative food and the cute nieces and nephews they miss and the adorable dogs they are considering breeding, and their sassy photos as well, but actually dating someone means you have to listen when they talk about scary things too. . Many of the ways you would get away with IRL are magnified in this situation. Intimacy speeds up, but that takes a lot of work.

It's totally okay not knowing exactly what you want out of dating. It's also okay to choose to release the swipe app entirely. It's even okay if you think you want one thing and then realize you want something completely different. But at a time when many people are seeking deeper and more satisfying connections than ever before, be honest as soon as you think you know what it is you want. Distractions may be healthy right now, but people are not distractions. They are sentient beings who deserve respect. Find distractions between friends, family, playlists, good podcasts, Twitter squabbles, live animal feeds, or Fan Only accounts. Start baking, learn a language, wallpaper your apartment, or focus your energy on just getting through the day.

But think long and hard about whether and how you want to deal with another human being romantically right now. And if necessary, change your dating app profile messages to: Oh hi, I'm done streaming all the available Netflix deals and now I'm here to find someone to fool around with. There's nothing wrong with dating the exact way you can handle right now, just make sure everyone knows what to expect from you in advance.