8 Relationship Tips Couples Therapists Are Giving All the Time Right Now

8 Relationship Tips Marriage Therapists Are Giving All The Time Right Now

 Because some of us could use help.

  A few weeks ago, I cried to my husband (oh yeah, you can cry to someone) and said, You're the only person I can hang out with and you don't even want to do anything!  What can I say?  I am a peach.  I'm also not alone when it comes to dealing with struggles in relationships right now.  Thanks to the utter and utter chaos we're all dealing with, some of the happiest couples I know are on edge.  Whether or not to go to a new park or an old park has become a red alert conflict.  Small daily chores turn into tempting opportunities to cut each other off.  Sounds familiar?

  To be fair, not all couples are having a hard time.  Vagdevi Meunier, Psy.D., a Gottman Institute teacher trainer and licensed clinical psychologist at the Center for Relationships in Austin, tells ALFAZESADIK that the stress of the pandemic has brought many of their partners closer.

  And, well, good for them.  For the rest of us mortals who are having a difficult time with relationships right now, ALFAZESADIK spoke with three couples therapists to find out the advice they are giving regularly these days.  These are by no means the only advice that could strengthen your relationship right now, but they are the ones that these therapists find themselves giving over and over again.  And honestly, let's say you're in a relationship that thrives during the pandemic;  these tips could make things even better.

  1. No wonder: the biggest tip is to communicate.

  This is especially true when it comes to feelings about the pandemic.  The pandemic has a ripple effect on almost every aspect of our lives, whether you're coping with it relatively well or feeling completely underwater.  So as a couple, you need to talk about the feelings the pandemic is causing, says Robert Allan, Ph.D., LMFT, emotionally focused therapy trainer and assistant professor of couples and family therapy at the University of Colorado, Denver.  I.  Maybe that's the boredom and monotony that so many people are experiencing.  What day is it?  month?  season?  - as well as any fear.

  It's worth noting that Allan emphasizes communicating the feelings that the pandemic arouses.  It may seem like you are venting about daily case numbers or the latest government mistake is communication, but dig deeper to determine the feelings underlying your vent, then talk about it.  This level of vulnerability and understanding can create a real sense of security in your relationship, which is especially critical given all the uncertainty we are dealing with.  "I'm more focused on how they feel safe with each other and [ensuring] that the connection is secure," says Allan.

  New and established couples can also use this time to get to know each other more deeply in other ways, Allan says, such as learning more about each other's hobbies and interests, the emotions related to the renewed clamor for racial justice, the likes and dislikes of  relationships, and what are your dreams for the future.

  2. Try to stay in the present, especially when expressing concerns about relationships.

  Are they getting on their nerves more than usual?  Meunier says that discussions often start because complaints go to the future or the past, as if you look at the dishes and think, "This is the 10th time I have to wash dishes this week!"  An argument ensues, or at least a resentment.

  "That problem feels bigger, but it feels bigger because I brought the past," Meunier says.  Instead, try to focus on the present: "Hey, you left the dishes in the sink, can you clean them?"

  3. Set limits around COVID-19 preventive measures.

  Laurel Steinberg, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and assistant professor of sexology at the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists, suggests establishing ground rules that you are comfortable with regarding the risks of COVID-19.  "Respect those family rules by setting boundaries with everyone else," he suggests, such as agreeing on what places or circumstances are acceptable to see friends or family.

  4. Try to find a "normal" rhythm if you can.

  Okay, clearly nothing is normal.  But maintaining as many "normal" habits as possible that help you feel good in the run-up to the pandemic is key.  Steinberg recommends things like keeping up with “romance adventures” (interpret that however you like), exercising, going outside together, and protecting your time together outside of work.

  Set limits around when work starts and ends, Allan agrees.  It's easy enough to fully focus on work or feel like you can work at any time of the day or night, but continue to stick to that limit. ”It may be easier said than done, especially for those of us who work from home, but  here are some tips that can help.

5. Be aware of your alcohol consumption.

  While alcohol may seem like a great way to relax or numb your emotions, Allan says it impacts mental and physical health over time, ultimately affecting relationships.

  A 2015 study published in Psychology of Addictive Behaviors followed 634 newlywed couples for nine years and found that 50% of these couples divorced when one of the couples drank heavily. There were several methodological limitations to the study (such as the researchers assuming that a couple was still married if they couldn't complete the follow-up) and obviously many other factors come into play when determining how alcohol might affect your relationship. Still, it doesn't hurt to take stock of how often you drink and find other ways to cope if necessary. Here's how to tell if you're drinking too much right now.

  For what it's worth, things get a bit tricky with cannabis. That Psychology of Addictive Behaviors study found no relationship between cannabis use in relationships and divorce, and many people find cannabis legitimately helpful for problems like chronic pain. Still, if you think some form of substance use is affecting your relationship right now (or your own happiness and mental health), it's worth looking into.

  6. Consider changing your roles in the relationship.

  The way your relationship dynamics worked before the pandemic may not be applicable now, and not getting stuck in how things used to be is essential, Allan says. Parents, in particular, can struggle, especially as school hours have been disrupted along with changes in work patterns. Quiet afternoons may not be possible or may require more teamwork. It is very important to share the burden, Allan emphasizes, although the way you share responsibilities may seem different from before.

  That could also mean taking up an unprecedented amount of space if it works for both of you. I see a lot more couples than ever before who are dating or married and living in separate houses," Meunier says. This can be stressful, especially if one is dealing with day-to-day parenting duties while the other works, but has been preferred by some of their partners; When they finally see each other, they look forward to it. Being able to take that amount of space from each other is certainly a privilege, but there are other ways to make it work, such as being more intentional in finding time for each of you to safely go outside on your own while the other is hold down. the strong at home. Here's how to politely but effectively tell your partner that you really need some alone time.

  7. Expand your support system if possible.

  Yes, we are still physically distancing ourselves (remember when we used to get excited about canceling IRL plans?), But that doesn't mean we have to shut down our support systems. If there were ways that you connected with other people and those have faded ... go out of your way to make those connections," Allan says. Talk to your friends in video chat (if you're not fond of Zoom right now). Take distance walks or have a happy hour outside. It is nearly impossible for our partners to meet each of our social and emotional needs, so these additional relationships are crucial.

  8. Don't lean too heavily on distractions from the joints.

  By facing more time together than ever, some couples can keep the waters calm by watching hours of television together or looking at their phones on the couch. While this might ease some tensions, it is unlikely that you will maintain your bond. It doesn't really connect time, it's right next to each other,Meunier says.

  Try to find time to connect where you are not distracted by another activity. Take a walk around the neighborhood or just hold hands and chat. I want to encourage couples not to assume that if they both spend time under the same roof, they are somehow building the relationship, Meunier says. It has to be more intentional.